FOREVER!

Oh My Gosh! It has so been forever since I was on here. And after I hounded everybody to pay attention to this blog!

Too many things have been happening. I've been so busy and will be home soon (I hate that!).

Just thought I'd say I haven't forgotten about the blog, I just get distracted with other things...

Update:

So, I thought that today was the first day of DST (which it is btw) and so I set my clocks back yesterday. Well, in Japan there is no DST. By the time this was pointed out to me, it was already 10:30, my class is 11. It takes twenty minutes to walk to the station, then I have to ride about 4 or 5 stations down to Kahim Makuhari....In the end, I was about 45minutes late to class.

Guess what? Everybody else knew that there was no DST here....They all assumed I knew....but you know me...Why would they think I'd have known? Someone should have told me!

Anyways, I haven't made it to all the places I want to see in Tokyo yet, and I will be going to Tokushima (hopefully) in two weeks.

See you then!

Clumsy/へた

I realized this morning that I had yet to blog about my unfortunate clumsy self.

First day in Japan, I wore new dress shoes and got tremendous blisters all over both feet (we did a lot of walking that day that I was not prepared for and they would not let me go back and change). At some point during days 1-3, I apparently sprained my ankle extremely badly. Day 3, because of the blister on my left heel, I could hardly walk. The pain was so terrible!!!!

I finally broke down crying at the IES Center telling them how much pain I was in. They almost immediately took me to the doctor.

Now, I've discovered this strange quirk about Japan: Because there is not a lot of space, it is rare to find what we would think of as a "hospital". Nothing is that big. It costs too much. Rather, there are what we would call "clinics" here and there, everywhere.

The doctor and nurses were extremely kind, though they didn't speak a lick of English. Oisha-san examined my foot and came to the conclusion that my heel was in so much pain because it had become infected. Great.

He gave me some pain killers and antibiotics to take three times a day. The bill was about 5000 yen. I was supposed to come back later, but I never made it. (I'm lazy, you know).

Anyways, after a day or two, the pain from my infected heel dulled enough for me to feel the pain in my ankle. That was not too pleasant, I might add. The biggest shock was realizing that I could not feel the sprain because of the infection. I went and quickly brought a brace and wore it for the next week until the swelling went away.

Now is the time to add another unusual quirk: After the pain from the infection went away, I noticed another oddity with my foot. Still today, I cannot feel either of my big toes. They are completely numb. I can move them fine, but I'm still a little worried that I can't feel them. My housemate also wore new dress shoes one day, got a blister, and cannot feel her big to either; so hopeful, this is just an after effect of the blisters and the numbness will go away eventually.

More clumsiness to speak of:

I thought I was all better. It didn't hurt, I could walk fine, everything was great! Then I went to Akiba with two other students. While there I tripped up some steps (yes, you may laugh) and re-sprained my ankle. It hurt so much that it took me from 5 until almost 8pm to get back home. The next day I had to skip the class field trip to Asakusa and rest. Why am I SO unlucky?

My foot is better once again, aside from the numb toes, but I am still taking it easy. Hopefully I am through spraining my ankle, but for any time that I know I will be walking long distances, I plan to wear my brace. This weekend I think I may go to Shinjuku and to see Tokyo tower. I'm running out of money fast so I think it's time to get a part time job.

Until next time, じゃね!

高いですね

Translation: Expensive, right?

Let me explain. Some of you may or may not have heard rumors about how incredibly expensive Tokyo is....I thought it was all lies, but NO! This is one expensive place. Not as expensive as Paris, but def more expensive than London. So frustrating!!!

Guess for me. Guess how much money I spent here in the first week? Come on, you can do it! Comment on this blog and I will give you the answer, but think REALLY HARD. The answer may surprise you.

E-pals and IES Students (also Homestay)

So...I've been so busy I've had very little time to blog about all the amazing things that have happened. I'm writing ideas down steadily and trying to find time to get them all up.

First on today's menu are Epals.

IES has an epal program. You can volunteer for it before you leave, but even if you don't, when you arrive in Japan you will be introduced to an epal from your university.

My epal's name is Sawai Yuki.
She is so super cute!!! Very nice too. I have also met some other Epals, besides Yuki. Some of the people I met were Eri, Chihori, Nao, and Risa. I really like them all! Japanese people have got to be the kindest people on this planet!

I have gotten to know a lot of the other IES students, some at Mekai and some at KUIS with me.

I actually have a housemate from Meikai. Her name is Tiara and she is very sweet. She is from Illinois, but doesn't have the attitude of the people in DC (which is nice! She's so polite).

For other people at KUIS: Davy, Christina, Nate, Mike, Funk, etc...I've only really hung out with Davy, and he's pretty cool. Chinese American (won't even try to spell or pronounce his real name), loves video games (arcades are all the rage over here), and is pretty funny (though I feel like I'm being picked on a bit).

From Mekai: Andy, Trent, Krissy, Sarah, Yoshi, etc. Andy and Trent are awesome! Krissy too! She's so small and cute, a mix of several different Asian ethnicities. Yoshi is cool too (his real name is Eduardo). He's from Mexico, but has been in the States forever and goes to college...where again? I don't remember, but he has an awesome job that pays for his education, etc. He's been lots of different places and loves to mountain climb.



About my home-stay...It's pretty awesome. My mom's name is Kurihara Meiko. She's an athlete and eats very healthy. She cooks us delicious foods that I've never had before like Renko aka lotus root, and Goubou (I'm not sure I spelled it right) that if I understand correctly is burdock root. The burdock tastes really good, like a cross between corn and french fries. Good. Yummy. Hungry now...

My dad is Kurihara Masaki. He used to run a coffee/jazz shop but recently had surgery to remove a brain tumor. He is now recovering, but he cannot move or speak. He can see and hear and I have talked to him. He is very shy and sweet!

Some good things about my homestay:

1. Smoke and Alcohol Free!
2. My own room, pretty big, with an actual bed!
3. Someone who cooks me meals everyday without meat
4. Laid back mom.
   
5. Bring friends over if I ask Meiko-san.
6. Stay out a bit late if I ask her.
7. Loving and supporting language learning environment.

Overall, Japan is a pretty sweet place. Everyone should visit!

Air CANADA

Let me just tell you this now: Air Canada is awesome!!!

Best airline I ever flew on, best service, food, entertainment, drinks! They've got it all! Economy Class is like First Class and First Class is like wo-ah!

Instead of watching one video over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over, (see my previous trip to London and Paris) there were LCD touch screen HD tvs built into the back of all the chairs. You could choose music, games, tv, movies, etc.

In the movies section you could choose from Canadian films, Hollywood, Classics, Kids, Family, Foreign, Horror. They really did have it all!

I watched the following movies, all of which I highly recommend and some of which you may have already seen:

1. Shrek 4ever After- Better than I expected. My fav is still #2, with Merlin from #3 as my fav character after Puss in Boots. Now we just have to wait for Puss in Boots, the Movie.
2. Women Without Men- A foreign film recorded in what I think was Farsi. Here is the summary:
   
   Against the tumultuous backdrop of Iran's 1953 CIA-backed coup d'état, the destinies of four women converge in a beautiful orchard garden, where they find independence, solace and companionship.
   It was a very touching movie and I much enjoyed it. If you are a lover of subtitles (who isn't? lol) then you should check this one out!
   
3. Clash of the Titans- Okay...so I'm a little slow. Pretty sure everyone has seen this one and that dude is pretty hot (not Hades or the Kraken). It was so interesting. The best mythological movie I have seen since Troy. Though the lead in this movie was no Brad Pitt, it was still quite interesting. But really, does Ralph Fiennes always play the bad guy?

Anyways, besides that, everything else was pretty good. I got a window seat again (super lucky, right? Little did I know my luck would end once I hit the land :(..). Not only that, but I had the whole row to myself! Which helped because I really need to lay down to sleep. Anyways, I did sleep most of the way here and I have not suffered from jet lag.

Moving on...

Seeing Japan from the sky was amazing. I've never come up on an island (looking out the window of an airplane, thousands of feet in the air) but it was amazing. To watch the vast sea collide with a sand bar, a mass of land. To watch the waves roll and to see the beaches outlined so clearly. The water was super sparkly, kira kira. It looked like, not a million diamonds, but like a tv on a static channel (but beautiful).

I did notice that Japan is layed out in more of a grid patter than anything I've ever seen. There were TONS of fields, I'm guessing rice patties. It was forever before we saw a tall building, but everything was crushed together, tighter than the houses in London.




I'm to sleepy to upload pics, so that's all for now!

I'm in Canada, eh?

Oh my goodness!!! Can you believe it? Me? In Canada? Have to say I never foresaw my coming here.

So, I need to tell you about my flight to Toronto from Raleigh. Got through security great. Had no problems with luggage or anything, wasn't even charged for an extra bag!!!

Only thing is that they wouldn't let my mom come back and wait with me until my plane took off. =(

I, by luck alone, got a window seat!!!! For the first time in my life, I got to watch out the window as the plane took off and as it landed. On my previous trip to Europe, those lovely little bastards (my ex-classmates and teachers) who had already flown multiple times, refused to give me a window seat. From Raleigh to London, Paris to Miami, Miami to Raleigh: no window seat. By the time we got on the little ricktey airplane that took us home, I was so POD I slept and didn't talk to anyone. But I digress...

The plane that took me to Canada was even smaller than the one that I flew on from Miami to Raleigh, but it was not rickety at all! I have actually discovered that I love flying. It's very peaceful. I shall now describe what I saw (lol).

I took this bit down on the plane:

Being high up in the sky looks as if you are sailing on a vast ocean of white and blue, with white piles of snow (here and there). Falling wouldn't be so bad.

As I gazed out across the endless blue, I realized that I was completely at peace. I was filled with a wonder that I don't think I've ever felt before. Oh, what it would be like to always fly in the sky; where everything above and below looks so ravishingly beautiful!!!

On take off and upon landing, I can only describe it to you as a google map. Leaving the ground, you slowly zoom out from street level to satellite view. Coming down, it's the absolute reverse. I'm on google maps and I'm zooming into a location.

As I come down, the world below looks so beautiful. The closer I get, things look like a little miniature town you might see in a child's train station (does that make sense to you?). When you get close enough to distinguish one building from another, they look like nothing more than lined up dominoes, ready to topple. The cars literally look like ants, that move about the speed of a worm.

The closer you get, the faster they go, but it still looks as if the world below is in slow motion. Another wonderful, blissful sight was the actual descent. We go from being above most clouds to slowly sinking into them. At a certain point, the world right below my view was covered in a white powdery mist, so snow like. Or, I could say that it looked like (what I suppose) the ocean in Antarctica, or a similarly cold place. Water frozen over and frosted, big snow drifts and glaciers. It was so breathtaking!!!!

I try not to let my thought wander to life and death, especially when in situations such as this, but I was so peaceful; I had a revelation and I can firmly say that I wouldn't mind going high in the sky. The fall would be lovely on the way down. Hopefully I'd lose consciousness before I hit the ground, but again, I digress...I know it's weird, but if I had to pick a way to go, sky diving (or gliding) would be at the top of my list!

Anyways, customs was such a breeze once I got here! A simple look at the passport and ticket, then I was shooed through a door to the terminals. No bag checks, no security scanners, nada. I think I like Toronto airport. =)

Unfortunately, I ain't diggin this airport food. I bought a bag of real fruit gummies and a bottle of evian. I'm hoping it will hold me over until I get on the plane at 1pm, and then however long it takes to get something to eat.

I'm going to go now so I can shut down this computer and preserve some battery life for the airplane. Until then, じゃまったね！

It's that time~

HI everbody!

It is finally that time! Time to go to Japan. I'll be leaving for Raleigh in a few hours and at 7am tomorrow morning I get on the Boeing to fly to Japan.

I have become nervous more and more as the days pass. I hope that I have a safe flight! I'm trying not to think so much about what I'm leaving behind, as much as what I'm going to experience. I know that it will hit me eventually, that I'm leaving my beautiful little brother and nephew for 5 months....there will probably be tears. =,(

Of course, I will miss all of my friends and teachers too! I'll miss Meredith and NCSU; Raleigh; North Carolina; the USA; everything! I will miss American food; forks and spoons; cold tea; so many things!!!!

I hope that you won't forget me! Please, please, please: Everybody get skype ready! I'm sure I will need face-to-face support. Don't forget my Skype ID is tutu.tiffany so go add me now! (If you don't have me already!).

Now, I've got to go eat what might be my last normal breakfast. Ciao!

Kozukappara Execution Grounds

So Landon woke me up at 2am and I couldn't get back to sleep. I then decided to browse the web, and as usual, my attention turned to Japan. I found this awesome website called thE qUirKy jaPan. Really interesting stuff! Anyways~

You know, I've got that big list of places I want to go visit in Japan? Well, in these wee hours, it seems to be getting much longer. One of the places I've found out about is here: http://www.quirkyjapan.or.tv/kotsukappara.html

It's called the Kotsukappara Execution Grounds and it's in one of Tokyo's special wards. It was opened in 1651 and closed in 1896. Between 100,000 and 200,000 were executed here. The graveyard is locked and visitors are not allowed in, however...

You can get some good peeks inside. Also, on route to said death pool is a bridge called Namida-bashi aka the Bridge of Tears. There also used to be a river running through the area called Omoide-gawa aka River of Memories. I shall now give more information about the significance of this randomness:

The Tokugawa Shogunate did not usually execute people in public. After all, the executions could get very gory. From the site

"executions took the form of beheadings, burnings at the stake, and a particularly nasty form of crucifixion in which the person would be stabbed 20-30 times by two spear-weilding executioners who alternately drove their weapons from the side of his or her belly, through the inside of the rib cage, and out the armpit. Finally he or she would be beheaded."

Talk about overkill! The prisoner was usually paraded through the streets prior to the execution. They say that when the condemned passed over the Namida-bashi, that they would burst into tears at knowing their fate was sealed. After the execution, their heads would be speared and displayed for the public.

Kozukappara was actually near a red light district, and many people stopped by for a view on their way home from their sexual exploits. (Why? I don't know. You've already been promiscuous, why not go admire a speared head?)

Most of the bodies were just covered with sand and not given a proper burial. This was so the birds could pick at their bodies. There are two temples in the area called Ekoin and Enmei, that were founded for the people who lost their lives.

Biggest ah-HAH! Moment ever!!!

Okay. As you've probably guessed, I just had the biggest ah-hah/OMG! moment of my life. Let me tell you about it:

So, I was sitting in the living room with my dad watching Rush Hour 3. I'd seen it before a long time ago, but couldn't really remember much except that it was in Paris and people spoke a lot of French in the movie.

So...there is this one part in the movie, involving the care chase w/cab driver George and the bikers, and Carter/Lee are thrown out of the vehicle. They are then taken away to the underground sewer system of Paris. Lee's "brother" shows up and they have a conversation.

While the subtitles were rolling, I found myself picking up on what I assumed was Chinese, you know, Jackie Chan and all? Then I thought, this is some weird Chinese...It is so similar to Japanese...And then it hit me! They WERE speaking Japanese!!!

I confirmed this when Lee said the guy's name, "Kenji". Such a Japanese name. Anyways, the beginning of their conversation asked "Wasuremasu ka?" and Chan replied "Wasuremashita"? So basically, "Did you forget?" and "I forgot". I picked up some other things by ear, but the subtitles made it extremely easy to figure out if I was hearing correctly.

Isn't that just too awesome! It made me so very HAPPY! So extremely happy that I had to share it via blog! Has anyone else had a ! moment when they hear something in another language and know what it means?

HOMICIDE?

Okay...so this one is a little darker than the last...I suppose. Actually, not really from my bad times. I remember watching something on TV one day and pondering if everyone has the capacity to kill someone else. This is the result of those ponderings:


HOMICIDE?

Did you know?
Do you realize
That you have the potential,
A yearning,
The capacity
To kill?
To annihilate your foes.
To crush the competition.
To hurt those
That have hurt you.
Can you feel it?
It’s there,
Buried deep inside.
A primordial urge
To defend yourself,
To protect,
To strike back.
If you think,
For even a second,
That you are not able
To commit such an
Atrocious crime,
You’re wrong.
When you feel it
Bubbling up inside
And you want to do something,
Just do it!
Let go!
Don’t hold back.
Take all your ferocity
And deliver such a blow
That your opponent
Will never draw another breath.
After the deed is done
You will feel better.
I promise.

Another Poem~~~BOYS

As I said before, I will continue posting poetry from after the darkest times. (I'll save my dark collection, that is bound in a book called Seraph of Torture for after I exhaust these slightly lighter poems, not too light though :))

Anyways, this poem is called Boys and don't ask me what the heck I was thinking when I wrote it, because I have forgotten! I obviously have no experience thus far with the opposite sex (nor do I have the desire at this point) so take my poem with a grain of salt. If it speaks to you and some of your experiences, let me know. I think all the girls in this world can pretty much agree that boys are baka anyways.

BOYS

A heart is not a play thing,
A heart is not a toy.
But if you’d like it broken
Just hand it to a boy.

Boys just like to play around.
They’re never serious.
Even with something
Like that first kiss.

Boys never give their hearts away.
They use us like a tool.
They wait until we give our hearts,
And then they play it cool.

One moment he flirts and teases,

Then with his friends he ignores you.

One moment you’ll be happy,
Next thing you know, you‘re blue.

And when you happen to see him
Your heart begins to dance.
Your life revolves around him;
Just a few moments of chance.

And then it starts to happen,
You worry all day long.
He doesn’t call you back
And he never picks up the phone.

Boys are immature to a fault.
If you choose one, the price you pay is high.
He may seem sweet, gorgeous and nice,
But remember he’s just a guy.

Don't fall in love with a stupid boy
If you can, just observe.
Because what you need is a man
To get what you deserve.

So, if you think you're in love,
You better have a plan.
Before you give your heart to him
Make sure that he's a man.

BeeJesus!

Facebook video failed! So now time to blog on here!

So, Ashley Faye and Shellie came over to make curry with me. It was so good! Yum.

Anyways, we were watching some TV, Colbert was on and he was talking about Clash of the Titans. I then started talking about how I loaded movies today and loaded 2 of Titans and 7 of Kickass (which apparently is a good movie, according to Shellie). Anyways, we talked about commercials, like Salt and others......

Then we saw a commercial for Ramona and Beezus. I told them how when I first watched the preview for the movie. I only saw the last half, where the girl drinks some lemonade and almost swallows a bee and then the little girl shouts "Beezus". I asked them if the girls name was really Beezus, and they said sure Tiffany.

I said, Maybe it could be the bee's name....They laughed. I told them I thought that the movie was about the girl and the bee, until I saw it the whole way through. Then I told them that I thought it was about the bee as "Jesus". Laughter busted forth from their guts...

Ashley said, "I have to draw it while I've got it in my mind." I got her a piece of computer paper and pencil and she got to work on "BeeJesus". Here is the finished product:

Isn't it just awesome. Fastforward. We are all taking pictures of BeeJesus and I am scanning it to my computer. I walk over to the couch, looking at BeeJesus on my PC and I say to AF (half joking/half serious):"But you're Catholic. You don't worship Jesus, you worship Mary, right?" Her face goes blank, like a bad stone statue. Shellie looks at me like, "You shouldn't have said that!" I start laughing it off, but AF has to explain things...

She tells me that she is sick and tired of people thinking that Catholics do not worship Jesus. I told her I never said they didn't, but that I thought Mary was #1. She rolls her eyes, gets hyped up, and tells me NO. Mary is not #1, God is #1 and Jesus is part of the Trinity---which makes him also the #1.

But I said I thought it was like Judaism and Moses or Islam and Muhamadd (of course, at this point I am completely joking and do realize that I am stating common misconceptions). She says NO. Jewish people, Catholic people, Protestant people (who I incorrectly referred to as non-Catholics) and Islamic peoples all worship GOD (aka Allah aka what cannot be put into words).

So, we have all decided to blog our views on the subject. We tried to make a facebook video where AF explained the Catholic views on this subject, but of course, FB hates me and it decided not to upload the video....(Squirrel Goddess repeat).

Many other fun and crazy things were said this evening. Yes. From a drunk and high Santa Claus stumbling down chimneys, to St. Patrick not being Irish (or was it Catholic? lol). It is always a fun time with the three of us!

Here is the pic that proves we are still friends. It looks a little grainy to me...oh well!

Poem-a-Day

Since I really can't make myself blog everyday (even though I do write, it just never makes it up here) I thought I'd start doing a poem everyday that I can't think of what else to do. I've got hundreds, so this should go on for awhile. And now, some poetry from my darker days...but headed towards the light~

A DISTANT MEMORY

I hate you more

With every breath I take

Not a day goes by

Without a feeling of animosity

Toward you

Only you

I’ll love you forever

This is my curse

I’ll always hope

That my ambivalence will dissipate

Even though

You continue to disappoint me

As I continue

To disappoint myself

I can only pray

That life will separate us

Give us both some peace

And a sense of mind

Then maybe some day

After many many years

We might be able

To love each other right

I might be able

To love without hate

Until that day comes

Consider me

A distant memory

Sleep Smiles?

Okay, so my mom came in my room to wake me up for breakfast. This is how she goes about it.

She pokes me on my nose and says, "Sleepy-head, it's time to wake up." I mumble something unrecognizable and open my eyes. She is look at me a bit weird and smiling. She then says, "You must have been having a good dream because you were smiling in your sleep." She said it was SOOOO CUTE!

I'm not sure if I believe her. I thought only little babies smile in their sleep? I've looked around on the web and I can't find any information on adults smiling in their sleep or a solid reason while babies smile in their sleep. Reasons range (for babies) from dreaming of angels to having gas (I'm pretty sure neither was happening while I was asleep >_<) What do you think? You ever seen someone over three years old smile in their sleep?

Beeps and Bells-Progressive

Birth Outside

When you get a brand new electronic marvel you

have certain expectations. You want it to be clean,

pristine, and perfect. For the price that you paid, the creation,

the labor, you expect

that it should last for quite some time (no fixing required). Of course,

it can be reasoned that there

would be some little bugs to work out

here and there; but you think that you are ready

for them. You believe that if something were to happen

to your precious goods, an outer representation of

yourself, that capable hands will be able to correct the errors.

You are a good person and a caring owner; if

something were to ever go wrong, no one

on this earth could blame you,

right?

Decade

A decade has passed and your

anodic phenomenon has lived up to your expectations

thus far. It is hard to raise such

an individualistic entity. Did you realize it

before? That this would

be such a time consuming process? It’s best not to

think about it after

all. Push it aside. Give your burden the attention you

feel you can

spare. It’s the labor of your love! The effort should be felt

without you having to do anything, right?

In time, it would seem that your presumptions could

only fall flat. After ten years with

no problems, a sudden collapse! The system

shuts down, remaining unresponsive. You rush it to the tech doc.

It must be fixed! It doesn’t matter how it

turned out this way, just fix it; make it

better.

But you see, when you have a complete breakdown

(on such very sensitive

equipment) there is no such thing as a

simple and quick fix. It takes

time to heal, but before long it will

all be

okay.

Time Wears On…

Your product is up and running

once again at such a fine pace. No one looking at it

would have ever guessed that a problem

may have existed. To the world, it looks like you have made a very fine

investment. Indeed.

Pride overrunneth ( ). Suddenly, half way to happy decade

two, the system crashes beyond what is

normally

repairable. Now, not only has the

software been damaged, but most of

the hardware has

taken a hard hit. What can you do? Rush. Rush

your precious article to the hospital.

Give up all your rights, and responsibilities, as

the person in charge of shaping the

equipment, and let “professionals” take over. They will

rebuild it, inside out, and

will return it to you in a condition that

warrants respect from

those that look upon it. That is

what you would think. Little did you know that

during the process of “reconstruction,” of “rehabilitation,” your droid

learns to be stronger than

ever before. You can no longer control, influence the

way it changes and grows. It no longer bends to your will

or cares about being perfect to the

audiences you present. It no longer feels you. It has

become an island, locked up tight and only

caring for itself.

The Second Decade

You no longer can recognize

the machine

that you, at one time, thought you

had a hand in creating. It rejects you and

your world. The motions are all that you got for a long time.

As more time passes the apparatus will acknowledge

you and some of your

efforts. But it never gives you the credit you feel

is due. As even

more time passes, the physical distance between you and

it becomes almost

equal

to the mental distance that has persisted for

quite some time. You see that soon, it will be

forever out of your reach. You will no longer be able to hold it,

touch it, feel it’s spark of life.

It is going to leave; you know it will

not look back. Do you regret? Regret

time that should have been

spent; things that should have been said? Maybe. You

do wish that things could be different,

but what could you do when

all you have ever seen is you?

Birth Inside

I cannot remember how I was formed. How

the idea that was conceived,

me, was ever cultivated. Only vague flashes of corrupt

memory can be recalled

through the sparks of my super-cells. Emotions, good and bad,

wax, then wane, through the waters of my

mind. How was

the start of life? Full? Remarkable? Empty?

I try desperately to recall the information; sifting through

fantasy and reality, trying to find the

truth (if any exists). How was the socialization process

originally started? How

did so many years of apparent (and sworn) attention

turn into such heavy self-isolation?

Decade

Existing ten years can be

a very amazing accomplishment in this

world of changing and upgrading toys. Something

is always better, faster, or smarter.

It can be very hard

to compete with progress. I wonder how

we are to keep

all of our sanity

intact? At ten years, I

suffered an extremely horrible and rapid disintegration

of my public and private system. I

was taken to be repaired promptly

and after time moved forward a bit I was all

better. Maybe I should say patched up extremely

well on the outside; on the inside,

I had only just been fixed.

My processing parts had been pieced

back together hapahazardly, and the threads

that held me

together were so thin, anyone should have seen

that it would not take

very much for them to break.

Time Wears On…

I push hard. I succeed. I

excel. I make you proud! This

fills me up to the

top with such joy! I try harder, I achieve

even more. You become disinterested

and I become disheartened.

I feel sick. I fail. Not in actuality, but in that I am no longer

perfect. You say that it is fine.

It really doesn’t matter. I can’t understand

what you are thinking.

Before, I needed to be the best for

you and now you don’t care if I fail? The cracks on the

inside of me slowly make

their way to the surface. Lacerations appear here

and there. You take no

notice. Things break, things wither; you are not

aware that my processor is overloaded. I yell,

I scream; all my bells and whistles are going off, trying to get help

from you before ( ).

I crash. I shatter. I cannot be

reassembled as easily as before. I volunteer, but

you decide to lock me away,

hoping the savvy know-it-alls will make

me whole.

I survive. I discard you and

your care. I abhor my existence that has

persisted thus far. I force perfection, competition,

and conflict

as far away as they can go. I struggle,

endure on my

own.

The Second Decade

I believe that

most of the damage has

been repaired. I’ve used tape and glue, mortar

and paint, to get

me to where I am right now. I’ve evolved

and grown in ways

that I never imagined possible. I look to the future, to the next

decade and think that

so many things are within reach.

I still have fears of

collapse, of relapse, but those fears

do not consume me. My motherboard is

in good condition; hardware, software and all

accessories are intact. I pace

myself; not going to fast and not

remaining too still.

Finally, I can let myself breathe

around you once again. I can’t remember

where the true root

of the problems lie. Maybe that was

always

a moot point. In the years ahead,

I hope we can grow

closer, together, and that we can become what

we should have been from the start.

I hope that the day will

come when I can honestly thank you for

my creation, and not

blame you for it. My scars are still there, but

time has shown

a remarkable way to heal them.

Maybe time

will teach and heal you too.